


Sweepstakes Are Just Scams To Make You Buy Shitty Snack Food

by gilshaelos



Category: Gintama
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Eventual Shinpachi/Otsuu, F/M, Trans Shimura Shinpachi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:09:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23799799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gilshaelos/pseuds/gilshaelos
Summary: “CRAMINALS SMASH CUP SWEEPSTAKES!!”Some panning shots over a crowd of people from a concert, glowsticks waving wildly.“WIN A DAY WITH SUPER MEGA POP STAR OTSUU-CHAN!!”Otsuu-chan herself posing while her music played in the background, then a cut to her ‘enjoying’ the yogurt from the cup, a grimace that could be considered a smile on her face.“Just submit a funny video about Smash Cups and we’ll go on a date! Intestinal parasite!” Then she promptly smashed the cup onto the ground.-Apparently people do win sweepstakes, they're real! They're out there! Shinpachi is just lucky enough to be one of them.
Relationships: Kagura & Sakata Gintoki & Shimura Shinpachi, Shimura Shinpachi/Terakado Otsuu
Kudos: 11





	Sweepstakes Are Just Scams To Make You Buy Shitty Snack Food

“Gin-chaaannn… Shinpachi is taking too long with the shoppinggg....”   
  
“We go through this every week. He takes his time to find good deals and sales.” Mostly because Gintoki gives him extra money, and if he wastes it on crap that’s on-brand then he’ll kick his scrawny ass!   
  
Kagura whined again and slipped off the couch, Gin watching her from the corner of his eye. He closed his JUMP and sat up, rolling his eyes.   
“Don’t be a brat. Maybe he’s bringing you a treat.”   
  
“Gin-chan you know better than that!” She huffed. “He only cares about boss lady! Not us poor snackless beings!!”   
  
Gintoki huffed a laugh and leaned back on the couch. He supposed that Shinpachi was taking rather long shopping today…

  
And there was his cue, conveniently because it’s a fanfic, the door to the house opened rather roughly, then closed again. A clack of shoes, then soft padding into the living room.   
Wordlessly, Shinpachi plopped down on the couch, placing down his bag of groceries on the table, along with a small camcorder.   
Eh?   
  
“Patsuan! Did you get su-”   
  
A gross slurping sound was his only response.   
Gin and Kagura watched, brows crinkled as Shinpachi crushed some cups and sucked down it’s contents. One after the other, he ingested them like it was air.   
It was very gross. And reminiscent of a certain mayo guzzling bastard. But it was a little more socially acceptable, but not by much.   
  
The two looked at each other, then back at the cup smashing wonder. Eating lots of garbage was Kagura’s job! What’s his deal?   
  
“Did he lose a bet, Gin-chan?”   
  
“Trying to win a bet maybe?”   
  
“A new stealth drug on the streets?”   
  
Gin scoffed. “That’s comedy. Maybe clearance crap that expires tomorrow?”   
  
“Diet?”   
  
“A sludge based diet?!”   
  
The TV flicked on, drawing the two from their guesses. A commercial conveniently relative to their conversation played.   
Flashy colors, very 2000’s era of editing, complete with star-wipe.   
“CRAMINALS SMASH CUP SWEEPSTAKES!!”   
Some panning shots over a crowd of people from a concert, glowsticks waving wildly.   
“WIN A DAY WITH SUPER MEGA POP STAR OTSUU-CHAN!!”   
Otsuu-chan herself posing while her music played in the background, then a cut to her ‘enjoying’ the yogurt from the cup, a grimace that could be considered a smile on her face.   
“Just submit a funny video about Smash Cups and we’ll go on a date! Intestinal parasite!” Then she promptly smashed the cup onto the ground.   
  
Kagura and Gintoki  _ slowly  _ turned to look at Shinpachi. He just continued ingesting the pink slime.   
  
“Gross.” Kagura wrinkled her nose.   
  
“Seriously.”   
  
Shinpachi’s eye twitched, their snark getting him out of his fervent consumption of trash.   
“Is it really so bad of me to want to enter a sweepstakes?! I want to win so I can make sure she doesn’t go on a date with a total creep!!”   
  
“No, I’m pretty sure you just want to go on the date.” Gin reasoned.   
  
“Scum.”   
  
“Seriously.”   
  
“Cut it out! And what was with that ‘stealth drug’ crap?!” He snapped. “If it was a drug thing, why would I do it right in front of you?! I'd do it shamefully in the alley or a bathroom like a normal human being!”   
  
“You’re too cowardly to do drugs. Also don’t do drugs.” Gin plopped down on the couch next to him.   
  
“He does drugs a lot, Gin-chan! With the needles!” Kagura sat down on the other side.   
  
“That’s testosterone and you know it!!” Shinpachi huffed and crossed his arms. “Besides, everyone else in the club is going to try and enter! It’d be disgraceful if I didn’t!”   
  
Gin picked up one of the smash cups and opened it. “Nasty.”   
  
“Seriously.” Kagura picked one up too. “Don’t talk to me for awhile.”   
  
They both unceremoniously smash and suck down the aforementioned sludge. Shinpachi blinked a few times, confused.   
  
Gintoki nudged him. “You bring home shitty snacks and aren’t gonna share? Please.”   
  
“Yeah, aren’t you gonna guzzle this to try and get a golden ticket to the smash cup factory?” Kagura was already on her 6th one.   
  
He finally realized what they were doing. He smiled. “That’s not how this works.” Shinpachi chuckled. “That’s not how it works at all.”   
  
Gin started on a second cup. “Well, we still need the packaging and cups for your video, right?”   
  
Shinpachi smiled at his lap, kicking his feet a little. “Yeah. I do.”   
  
“Then get going. If you think just me and Kagura are gonna eat this crap, you’re crazy.”   
  
“What’s gonna be your video idea, Patsuan?” Kagura asked, tearing into a new package.   
  
Shinpachi paused, and leaned back a little, hand on his chin. “Huh.” His brows furrowed. “I guess I haven’t thought that far. I have some ideas, but nothing solid.”   
  
“I’m a pretty good camera man whenever we record your Tektoks, so I’m on board.” Gin smirked.   
  
“I can help build stuff!” Kagura exclaimed. “Knowing you, it’s prolly gonna be a skit thing!”   
  
Shinpachi licked his lips after finishing a cup. “Not a bad idea, thanks! Can we watch TV while we try and shut down our organs?”   
  
Gin flicked the channel over to some drama rerun. “Now it’s like we’re in a hospital. Eating slop and watching trash.”   
  


-

“You’re gonna edit this down, right?”   
  
“Yes, yes. I know how to edit.”   
  
Shinpachi narrowed his eyes up at Gin. He tentatively placed the camcorder into Gintoki’s hand, his fingers folding around it. He promised to make it coherent, make it proper and whatnot… He huffed. “Make it good! I’m trusting you, Gin-san.”   
  
Gintoki waved his hand. “Yeah, yeah, get off my back… I’ll make it good Kaasan…” He grumbled.   
  
Shinpachi rolled his eyes. “I’ll text you the website to submit it to. Make sure you put my name!”   
  
“I got it! Stop nagging!” Gintoki practically shoved him out for the night. “See you tomorrow, geez…”   
  
With that, he got to editing.   
Christ, there was a lot of footage… Gin cut out the lulls in comedy, or non-comedic silence. That’s a start. Geez, is this even that funny? Shinpachi was a funny kid, but is he sweepstakes winner funny? Oh this bit… He had to leave this one in. His little skit floundered on it’s own! Yeah, Shinpachi only wanted to send in his little comedy act but… It wasn’t very funny. His namesake didn’t help him at all!   
He’ll be grateful that good ol’ Gin-san is helping him out!   
Gin saved and rendered the video, double checking it over for mistakes or unfunny bits. Perfect at last.   
Pulling up the website, which looked like it was going to auto-download a midi file any moment, he quickly found the button to submit an entry. He typed out Shinpachi’s info, and attached the video, sending it off into the vast unknown cyber space.   
It felt good to help him out. He’s gonna be disapointed if he doesn’t win, but surely he knows that no one ever  _ really  _ wins these dumb things, right?   
A familiar feeling went through him and he cursed, getting up and sprinting to the bathroom.   
Getting the shits because of all the stupid goddamn smash cups he ate is a fate worse than death!! This had better be  _ WORTH IT!!! _

-

  
  


“Tsuu. No slacking off for this.” Her mother instructed. “I’ve loaded up the entry videos for the sweepstakes. Just pick out the ‘funniest’ one. It’ll be good publicity.” She opened up a laptop, with a bunch of videos queued up to be judged.   
  
“I know, I know…” Tsuu mumbled. “I’ll get it done. I’m sure there’s some worthwhile cringe in here to entertain me regardless!”   
  
Her mother rolled her eyes. “Don’t call it that. But do try and enjoy yourself, we can’t pass this up. It’ll open up more opportunities for us if it goes well.” She took her leave. “I’ll check later.”   
  
She was alone now. Alone with a bunch of videos that were poor attempts at comedy. She had some conditions that needed to be met. The video has to make her actually laugh. Not just a little exhale out of her nose or anything! And the person in the video can’t be super old. She just hoped there was something in here from a guy around her age… Tsuu stretched upwards, then opened a canned coffee. Everybody knows how this goes, so let’s get this over with.   
  
Boring. Old. Trashy. Gross. Unfunny.   
Ugh!!   
Tsuu huffed as she clicked to the next video. Didn’t anyone know how to be funny with some stupid smash cups?!   
Some guy arranged the cups and packaging to make out her face. That’s not comedy, and it’s creepy. Next.   
_ Several  _ people filled up a bathtub with the yogurt and jumped in it, shirtless or fully clothed. Those kinds of videos were only funny when you’re 12 and don’t know what real jokes are! Next.   
Ugh.  _ Another  _ guy thinking that making a parody of her songs to sing about the smash cups is comedy. She was asked to do that herself! She said no!! Next!!   
Filling up an entire pool with yogurt is just wasteful and harmful to the environment!! NEXT!!   
  
So many videos… So much unfunny garbage. Tsuu opened her fifth can of coffee. Nothing she’s seen is even  _ REMOTELY  _ funny! At this point, she wishes some video would make her exhale out of her nose!!   
But alas. She had to suffer through these damn things. If nothing funny shows up, she’ll try and go back over some, try and at least find someone cute… Tsuu sighed and clicked on the next one, and sat back.   
  
“Is it going?” A hushed voice.   
  
“Yes, go.” A deeper, but still hushed voice.   
  
“Gin-san, the lens cap!”   
  
“Right.”   
  
Hey, Tsuu knew these people! Of course they’d submit something! Which reminded her that she didn’t see anything from that Shinsengumi guy… That’s disappointing, he’s cute. Oh well.   
  
Glasses was attempting… Some kind of skit. It was familiar, but not too familiar. His cohort was holding various props. His skit wasn’t very funny, but the camera man and the prop girl made him funny with their various added on comments. People always forget how funny the peanut gallery is!   
  
“Can you explain what’s funny about this again?”   
  
“Kagura!” He whined. “Now I have to start over.”   
  
Kagura whined too, Gin sighing behind the camera and mumbling under his breath. “Take 8.”   
  
They got further into the skit.   
  
“Kagura, this is the wrong prop.”   
  
“Why is this funny again?” She handed him the correct (?) prop.   
  
“Gin-sannn!” He fussed.   
  
“Kagura hush, do it properly.”   
  
She rolled her eyes and got into position again.   
Tsuu smiled at their antics. If it wasn’t for the other two, his skit would be unbearable.   
  
He was pacing now, saying a build up to a joke, it almost landed until he bumped into Kagura.   
  
“Oi! Come on!!”   
  
“I was doing fine that time! I didn’t move!”   
  
“We bumped into each other!”   
  
“I’m holding your stupid props, Shinpachi!” She stomped her foot. “Gin-channn!!”   
  
In the corner of the frame, a hand motioned at them. “Just shut up and go, we’ll fix it in editing.”   
  
“Yeah, Kagura, and don’t talk! You’re a prop-”   
  
“Oh, so I’m a prop now?! Just an object?!” She snapped.   
  
“No, you-!”   
  
Kagura smashed a cup of yogurt onto Shinpachi’s head, and he screamed. They quickly devolved into fighting, grabbing at each other and smashing the cups onto each other.   
  
“Oi, oi! Come on now, you damn brats!” The camera was set down, and he walked into frame, attempting to separate them. The squabblers whined and pointed fingers, Gin arguing back at them.   
Oh, they didn’t seem to appreciate the scolding. They reared back and smashed yogurt into his face.   
“That’s it you little bastards!”   
Fighting and yelling, yogurt being slung everywhere, the walls, the couch, it was seeping into the trio’s hair and clothes. Hell, even the poor sleeping dog got a face full of it!   
  
Tsuu laughed. She laughed so much, loudly and endlessly. She held her stomach, begging to no one to make it stop. And their antics just kept going!   
  
“You’re ruining everything! We need these for the video!” Shinpachi yelled, trying to grab a pack from Kagura.   
  
“You’re the ruiner! Your skit isn’t even funny! It’s not gonna win!”   
  
“You don’t know that!”   
  
“If this crap stains I swear-” Gin grabbed at the collar of their shirts, finally separating them. He huffed. “Can we do the damn thing already?”   
  
Kagura kicked his shin and was promptly dropped while shouting, “No!”   
When Gin hunched over to nurse his hurt knee, he was met with another face of yogurt.   
  
The fighting died down, the trio laying in different places in the room, panting and groaning.   
  
“You’re the worst.” Shinpachi’s small voice piped up.   
  
“No you.” Kagura threw an empty cup at him. “You’re the one who made us help.”   
  
Gin slowly got up, hobbling over to the camera. “At least it’s strawberry flavored…” And the screen went dark.   
  
Tsuu wiped tears from her eyes, grinning wide. She found it. She found the winner!! The winner to her stupid contest!!   
  
She excitedly called her mom. There was absolutely no need to watch anything else! Nothing would beat what she just watched!   
“Hi! Yes! I found the winner!” She exclaimed excitedly. “Mhm! I think he’s about my age, so it’s not gonna be creepy!” She listened for a moment. “No, it’s not Toshi. I knooowww…. I was hoping he’d enter. But this was funny too! I’ll send you the winning video! Okay, bye!”   
  
Hanging up, she pulled up the info, sending it her mother’s way. That guy’s skit wasn’t funny, but they were all funny and it was so genuine! Tsuu loved it!   
Even if his comedy routine failed, it would still be a nice little date. She really did look forward to it. It’s been awhile since she last saw him. This Shinpachi guy was nice, and wasn’t a creep to her at all! Maybe put her on a pedestal, but if that’s the worst thing from him, she’ll take it.   
  
This is gonna be great!

**Author's Note:**

> WOW!!!!!!! A CHAPTER FIC SORT OF? I GUESS RIP VIN THE ONESHOT KING
> 
> thank you SO much @feraltoms for helping me with this!! they helped me with ideas and a lot of dialogue. im no good at writing patsuan im not a straight man person.  
> ALSO we both kinda came up with this ideas, theres no real shinpachi x otsuu fics out there so ONCE AGAIN  
> I DO ALL THE WORK IN THIS GODDAMN HOUSE
> 
> i hope you enjoy it! i hope youll like whats coming next too!! (hopefully maybe 3 chapters? we'll see!)
> 
> follow me on twitter i dont shut the fuck up about gintama and yamazaki nowadays @gilshaelos1


End file.
